“Success is liking you, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” – Maya Angelou
I have recently been “separated” from my gig. Don’t cry for me Argentina, the truth is I was unhappy anyway. For two years, I allowed myself to be treated in ways that compromised my true integrity. I did not speak my truth when certain things were said and done to me because I was afraid that I would lose the things that I had become accustomed to.
At the time of my employment I did not like myself and blamed others (mostly my mom) for my failures in life. I was so happy to be apart of a place that encouraged me to reach for the stars that I began to put my mind to succeeding . I can admit that my mind was in the right place but my heart had the wrong motive. I wanted to be praised and admired but what I subjected myself to was the complete inverse. I set out for my own praise and glory to prove to my family and employers that I was more than a project whore. I was more than my past and everything that I represented. Food stamps, medicaid, government housing. MORE. This became my crusade and I began to allow judgement and pride to cloud my eyes.
I had been given the best clothes and never had to wear the same thing twice for two years at no price of my own. This one incentive became my Achilles heel because for once in my life I was able to create my own flare but had let it become my substance. Though I was able to parade around in fancy clothes that women like myself haven’t heard of I felt like there was nothing fancy about me. I felt very inferior on my job because I knew that though I had the attire I felt like i was just another black girl from the ghetto.
These thoughts started to create a prison for me that kept me captive to feelings of unworthiness and exclusion. Though I had been in the newspaper several times, had become a recruiter and had begun to do public speaking, I was still waiting for “ethnic flare” to take over showing that I was nothing more than a hood rat. I began to compare my success to the success of others in my age range and my newly found peers. The majority of the people in my community seemed to care less about the education and betterment of our surroundings, while my work associates were deeply involved in their own. With the two images weighed I leaned towards fitting in with the latter.
When you act as a victim you become more victimized. I thought that people were coming into my life to hurt me. I blamed them for the negative outcomes I kept encountering. I blamed my mother for the reason I could not be a good mother. I blamed my employer’s for treating me like a domestic instead of an individual because they deemed me inferior. It was so easy to relinquish my responsibility and blame them because it limited the work I truly needed to work on myself.
Being “separated” may be the best thing that could have ever happened to me now that I am taking responsibility for my self doubt and negative self talk. I didn’t want to be there anymore, I just wanted to prove to others that I was more than who they deemed as charity cases. I wanted to prove that though I had faced circumstances I was not my circumstances.
This could not be any further from the truth. I create my circumstances. I create my success. I cannot succeed because I feel like I am unworthy of it.
Last night, I felt like my worth of self is determined by what others may say or feel about me. Today I am determined to realize that I am worthy of unconditional love and it must FIRST start from within.