The Cat’s Pajamas

No one would really bother me if I had a black cat lurking around my house. A black cat with green eyes that had specks of orange in them. I would call her Hope. She would be my guard kitty. I would potty train her (litter is expensive) and would take her to get groomed. I would get a cat on guard sign. She would be mine.

Picture courtesy of www.google.com

Picture courtesy of http://www.google.com

Why a black cat? Why not a gray one or a fat orange cat named Morris? Or even one of those Siamese cats. Hell, most would even take a bald one instead of a BLACK cat!

Exactly!

Society has taught us that black cats are the companions of witches. Witches are evil creatures that work through magic to get an end result.

Aren’t we all witches in some capacity?

We all believe that what we believe will cause something wonderful to happen. We believe in prosperity so we tithe hoping to gain an end result. We want love and acceptance so we lay our heart on the line hoping that someone (the right someone) will grab hold and never let go.We cast our cares upon the entity that we choose to believe and wait for a great outcome.

What we think, we start to believe. What we believe shapes our world.

Picture courtesy of www.google.com

Picture courtesy of http://www.google.com

I always believed that there was something wrong with me. No matter what I did (good or bad) someone always had a way of making me feel bad about who I was blossoming to be.So I began to embody the bad that everyone had told me that I was. I did not know it then but my every thought led to an action. By the time I was 14 years old I was an unwed mother who thought that the world owed her but had dealt her a bad hand of cards.

There is a reason why it is good to wait to have children, though you won’t be perfect at any age, looking back I had no idea of who I was. How was I supposed to raise a healthy and mentally stable child? I had low self-esteem and other teenage and emotional angst and it became worse when I stepped into high school.  I was the Hester Prynne  of my friends and felt like all eyes were on me. I was constantly reminded by others of how different my life was supposed to be now that I had a child. I felt like  not much had changed, I was still sad, lonely and felt like no one understood me.

Picture courtesy of www.google.com

Picture courtesy of http://www.google.com

For nearly a decade the shame and guilt followed me around like a dark cloud hovering over my dreams. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried I still kept making the same mistakes. I brought three more children in the world and was a divorcee’ by the time that I was 22. Nothing seemed to go my way and I was always in a crisis. I began to spiral into the abyss of depression and hopelessness feeling like I would be stuck in a permanent position of poverty.

Poverty is a mind frame.

Though I wanted a rich life  my actions were scarcity based. I was afraid of what others thought of me so I set out to please everyone, but I did not have enough to give. I was afraid that the only way for someone to love me was to give all of myself, but I lacked what I needed to provide for  myself and my children the life that we truly needed. This fear kept me from branching out and truly believing in myself which kept me stagnated and unproductive. Though I wanted to be more than a statistic I did not know how to do anything differently. And if I knew how to do it differently I would have been too afraid to follow through.

Now, at the age of 28, I stand at a cross-road of moving forward or staying the same. My evolution up until now has been full of ups and downs. Sometimes my past struts across my path showing me all of my mistakes and slip-ups….

Today, instead of running away in the opposite direction, I’m calling my past over for kibble and and warm milk, I will embrace it and allow it to purr.

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2 comments

  1. You are thinking about life, making your own decisions. You are asking yourself important questions and trying to figure out what to do next. Those are the traits of an intelligent winner. Life will always be up and down, but from your wiring, I believe you will ride the wind and come out on top. What’s in the past is in the past. It can’t be changed. The only thing you can do is move forward. When we think about the stuff that happened before we kind of waste time that we could be using to make plans for the present and what comes next. We all do it, that’s for sure, but knowing that we do it, can sometimes stop us from going there:) When I start going to those places I immediately start listening to music, singing, or doing anything to break the pattern. Do it enough and it comes naturally and the sad, icky or whatever stuff, starts to stay away because it knows it can’t get a foothold. This works for me.

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